So many things are running through my mind right now. I am 37 weeks pregnant tomorrow, officially “full term” (although I definitely want her to hang in to as close as her due date as possible). I have really given little thought to giving birth again… until now. I had been coasting by on the thought that I did this once, I can do this again. Now I am suddenly flooded with thoughts and insecurities. I spent a good chunk of Roland’s pregnancy researching breast feeding and Curt and I took a class. I went into it armed with as much book knowledge as possible and it went great. Tonight I realized I have yet to look at a single breastfeeding resource this time around. I guess I assumed I did it once and will have no problem doing it again. Tonight while digging my breast pump supplies out of storage I flipped out. I don’t remember all the positions! The correct presentation! A good latch! Noooooo!!!!! Okay, deep breath…. I know it will be ok… but ….
I am alternately excited to give Roland a sibling and heartbroken he will no longer be the sole focus of our world. I am excited to bring our daughter into a loving home and sad she will never have the opportunity to be the only child and be showered with the one-on-one attention that Roland got for almost three years. I am an only child so the concept of siblings is foreign to me, I just don’t get it. I am about to get a crash course!
Then there is this other thing on my mind…. When I found out I was pregnant I immediately had this deep down feeling it was twins. I was soooo sick (which I never got with Roland), I was showing so much more quickly, I had several dreams there were two babies, I truly went into my first OB appointment more than half expecting to see two heart beats on the screen. So when the ultrasound started my doctor said here is the baby, here is the heartbeat, everything looks healthy AND here is a second gestational sac… but it looks empty. So there WERE twins, at least in the very beginning. The doctor said the second baby just failed to develop past that first point of conception. I walked out so grateful for the healthy baby with a strong hearbeat in my womb but there was just a slight sting that what I felt all along was true, but never meant to be. Honestly I have thought very little of it through the pregnancy but now that we are so close to meeting our daughter I occasionally wonder if she would have had a brother or a sister in there with her and what it would be like to be preparing for two newborns right now. I know… it wasn’t meant to be.
I know all these things that are suddenly swirling through my mind will work out in the end. I know Roland will be a great big brother and I know I will figure out how to nurse my child. I trust I will have another safe and healthy labor and delivery. The bottom line is my hormones are in overdrive and it doesn’t stop me from laying in bed at night thinking about these things! In the end all this is completely overridden by overwhelming joy that I feel in my bones. Our family wasn’t complete, it was missing a daughter, and we are set to meet her very soon… and I could not feel more blessed.